Dark places & Silver linings

Many times by many people, I am asked, "How do you stay so positive about this journey?" I never know how to answer that question. We have always gone on our journey being cautiously hopeful. It is our standard answer when someone says you must be so excited and full of hope. We usually smile (which is prolly why we get in trouble) and say no, we are cautiously hopeful. Don't get me wrong, there is always the excitement there but the fear is there too. We have tried to keep a balance. With the bad things we have to find our silver lining.

When the call comes, it comes to my cell phone. The two week wait has nothing on the pregnancy test phone call. I have to be in for blood test between 7:30-9am and then the call doesn't come till after 2pm. IT. IS. HORRID. Our IVF nurse is always so positive when she starts out and I can immediately tell what the news is just by how she says hello. The call goes like this... everytime...
Me: Hello?
Nurse: Hi Loren, (tone goes deeper) Its _(Anonymous)___ at RGI.
Me: Hi __________, How are we doing today?
Nurse: I'm afraid its not good news. I'm so sorry. You need to stop progesterone & estrogen. Your period will start in the next 3-5 days and you will need to start your birth control pills. We need to pick your follow up date, how does _____ work for you?

Yeah. I can handle that. What I can't handle is holding on to this knowledge and keeping it from everyone until I can tell Mike. Who doesn't want to know, mind you, until he is home from work. By the time he makes it up the stairs from the garage the waterworks have started and its all I can do to look him in the eyes and apologize. After 5-10 minutes of hugging it out and crying together (real men cry!) its time to inform the rents on both sides. Simultaneous text messages are sent. Mike and I then hunker down, have a quiet dinner together and finish out our evening routine.

We point out the silver lining before bed to each other, "well, the silver lining is we get to reconnect. More cupcakes are in order" (For those who can't read between the lines, that is sex. And lots of it. Bet you like that picture.) Because you see, when the IVF cycle starts, it eventually hinders that aspect of your relationship and things become uncomfortable. Then you get doctors orders for no sex until after the "positive blood test" as they like to say it. That's at least two and a half weeks of no sex. Yep, lets round up to 3 weeks just to cover our bases! Its also very hard leading up to that forced break period, to feel sexy when you have to shove pills places that they regularly should not be, have plastic patches all over your butt and welts on the spots that they were two days before on the other side, numbing, tingling, and pain from injection sights, and lets not forget about the bruising from other injection sights. Yep, that right there is pure SEXY as HELL! And everyone loves a man at work that ain't gettin' any. They can be down right moody and intolerable. (I love you honey! You aren't like that at all!)

This last time was harder for us. Being that we have two snowflakes left before either a fresh cycle, genetic testing, donor egg, or surrogate has to be looked at a bit closer, puts a new spin on things. Ever look up and see how much a surrogate through an agency costs? Sticker shock for a car ain't got nothin' on that! (For those who need an idea it is in the area of $100,000.00 and up.) There is a reason that India is the leading surrogate country... they are known for their "rent a womb" and it is only $30,000.00. Sheesh! Depression and anxiety has swamped me and sleeping has been difficult. I don't want to leave the house let alone bed in the morning. It is hard to describe what exactly is gong on. Between detoxing from all the IVF drugs with all the side effects that come with that, I also had a menses to get through and start up the birth control again with its lovely crappy side effects. Most of what I am feeling I have felt every time we have had to go through this, however, this time I didn't fight them as hard as usual. I have eaten some comfort food, I have sat on the couch and mourned, I have cried myself to sleep at 2 in the morning due to exhaustion and not being able to come up with a resolvable answer.

It has taken me a week to get to a reasonable place and find the silver lining. To figure out what I need to do, to be able to move forward and tackle what lies ahead on the rest of this journey. I know one this is more exercise and see if I can't knock off some of the weight I have gained from being on limited/restricted movement since we started this leg of the journey one year ago come April. So the elliptical has beaten me up the last few days and just walking is challenging at times. We have plans to camp in the coming weeks and then it will be time for bikes to emerge from the garage and kayaks to deploy from the rafters. So in shape we will get starting soon. I have a call in to a personal trainer because sometimes I need the motivation of someone yelling at me not taking excuses and busting my butt. I also have some feelers out for a chiropractor in our area. Hey, anything can help now... right?

Am I through second guessing everything I am doing? No not yet. Do I need to feel sorry for the path that we have been given? No. So long as Mike and I stand together and are on the same page, we will continue to be a united front and move forward. Will we have to plaster a smile on our faces when we really aren't feeling it?  Most likely. Hell, its gotten us this far. So long as we can lean on each other and work together to get the results we want, we will be okay. If one of us chooses to stop this process and just be "us" than so be it as well. Hey, positive side of that is more money for more trips and fun things. :)

When will we start our next round? Who knows since we really don't either. But we plan to enjoy the forced month off before we can consider trying again even if we have to deal with the pills that give me horrid headaches, body aches, fatigue, lack of appetite, mood swings, lack of libido, and frequent trips to the bathroom. Now that spring is here in all her wintery glory, we know that it is almost time for camping season, biking, hiking, dock diving, and kayaking. For those are all things we enjoy doing together and can focus on each other, our health, and our furbabies. Besides, we get to reunite with some of our silver family whom we only get to spend time with between April and December! Bring on the glamping!