At a crossroad...

We had our follow up appointment with our RE. He doesn't know why IVF has not worked for us. The most likely thing that it could be at this point is a uterine environment issue. So our only options at this point are to go towards surrogacy or adoption.  Now, let me be clear on a few things. The hubby and I have done ALOT of discussion. If we go gestational surrogate, I would have to go through another egg retrieval because this last round of IVF we used donor eggs. Since we do have 4 snowbabies left, we are choosing to keep them on ice for a while longer since the only thing we can do is donate or destroy. So for now, they can remain on ice. The idea behind using my eggs and hubbys sperm is then we are both connected biologically to the baby the surrogate would be carrying. So this would add an extra cost to our surrogate route if we used both of our genetic material. I was always the one leery of the surrogate route because of the what ifs... What if the surrogate decides to keep? What if they miscarry? What if they cause the pregnancy to fail?

Since the odds are high for me not being able to carry our child, I have come to the conclusion I am a failure as a woman., however, Mike does not see me as a failure and whole heartedly opposes my take on that. Our whole lives we are taught to go to school, grow up, get a job, get married, get pregnant, and then have a family. So ya, that isn't happening and its my fault. I am currently dealing with grief, failure, depression, sadness, despair, and disappointment along with stress. I will never be able to feel a baby growing inside me kick, flutter, move around, know that I helped create something, and (though everyone complains about it) know what birth feels like. My body is refusing to do what it was suppose to do on its own. My uterus hates me. I have experienced finding the love of my life and now know that we are biologically incapable of having children that I can carry, and give life to.

We have watched as friends and family members have gotten pregnant (some multiple times) while we have been on our journey and they always gave advice and encouragement. "It's your turn next. It's going to happen for you I just know it." "Just relax. You guys are stressing too much over this", “It will happen when it happens”…

Well, as much as we wanted to believe them, it has not happened on its own. Believe it or not, the IVF journey after the first round, was not stressful at all. We knew what to expect as far as procedures and meds. It was all in the doctor's hands and left nothing for us to worry about. All payment was due before procedures took place. So we had to keep hope and faith and let the doctors worry about it.

Now we are to the point where we have to decide gestational surrogate or adoption. These are not the roads we ever thought we would have to take. We spent $60,000 to end up with nothing. Now we need to choose something else that will not guarantee us a child but we have to do it with a mortgage on the house and practically nothing in our bank account. So as I sit here in tears and type this, I am asking for help (which many of you know I am not fond of and usually refuse to ask.) We have kept a brave face and stayed strong through all of this, but now we need help. We need your support to help us achieve a family.

So, that being said, if we can get this shared and everyone donates a $1 or $5 we could reach our goal in no time. Here is a site we set up on GoFundMe. We appreciate any help you can give us.






We want to thank everyone who has continued to be there for us through this journey. Those who have shared their personal stories, given encouragement, or just listened when we needed to scream and vent. We both feel extremely blessed to have such a supportive network around us where we can feel free to share our story, even when the going gets tough and intolerable. Thank you for never making us feel ashamed or embarrassed.